Serena for years had been my silent secret child because the memory of her death was so painful that it seemed easier to try and bury the thoughts of her death deep inside some hidden untouchable part of me.
At first I thought that if I didn’t talk about it, it would hurt less.
There is a myth that time heals. One of the mistakes I made, was believing that if I “served my time and let enough time pass,” I would get past the grief.
It doesn’t work that way. You can’t bury your feelings of loss and grief no matter how hard you try. Any one suffering from the loss of a child is being forced on a journey that they don’t want to be on.
So you’re on this journey, resisting, kicking and screaming the whole way, struggling to get back to your comfort zone where life is familiar and happy. You ask, “will I ever feel normal again?”
But there is no going back.
For me sometimes the journey felt so painful that I thought I would rather die then continue on it. But continuing along the path and working through the loss and grief is the only way to being, “normal” again and even happy.
It has been years since Serena’s death and today her stories and memories often make me laugh instead of cry.
So how do you go from tears to joy?
One of the best things I did was start journaling. Journaling helped me express, accept and let go of my pain. Each night I wrote something about her memory, my thoughts for the day and what I was grateful for. I told her story over and over again in my journal and each time it released some of the sadness. With each journal entry there came a painful wave of anger and sadness. As each wave of sadness and anger came and went a little of the heaviness disappeared.
I know that sometimes it sounds impossible to be thankful or grateful for anything and maybe even cruel that I could suggest that you look for something to be grateful for. I know at one time it was for me too.
I was once asked, “if you could choose, would you choose to have never had Serena in your life and avoid the pain.” Without hesitation I answered, “No, I would do it all over again.”
As parents we would probably all choose to have what time we had versus no time. I needed to remind myself of that and of the times she brought total joy into our lives.
I wish I could give you a simple method or answer that would take away the pain and make the journey through the loss and grief easier for you. We each grieve in our own way and on our own schedule.
We can’t go back to the way we felt before our childs death any more then we could go back to being a child ourselves.
My life has forever changed because Serena was a part of it. It took us a long time to understand that a new normal was not only OK but that it could be celebrated. I learned it’s not about, “serving your time,” it’s more about, “working your time.”
So Today my life looks nothing like it did before Serena died. Her life has been a huge lesson that has changed how I live and value my life. I left the corporate job that at one time I thought was my dream job, but came to realize it took up way to much of my time. I realize now how precious time is and that time with the people we love can never be taken for granted.
I wish that your journey takes you to a place of peace, normalcy, joy and laughter. Do you want to talk? Click here and we can.
To Your Life Without Limits,
P.S. I would love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment below and feel free to share this post with anyone you feel may benefit from it.